Quality Time TO KILL YOU IN!
by The Illustrious Crackpot
Summary: While on a hiking trip, Lazlo and Edward get trapped in a cave in. Will the other scouts find them in time? And, more importantly, will Edward manage to avoid killing Lazlo?


_This story was proofread by the EmoEmu, who sadly exists not on this site but only in her own mind._

_The reason this isn't divided into separate chapters is because a) I didn't write it that way and b) it's really just a single event with a prologue and epilogue rather than a series of events that come together in a whole._

**Quality Time...TO KILL YOU IN!!**

(The Illustrious Crackpot)

It was exactly the type of day that you wouldn't want to go hiking on.

Unless, of course, you enjoyed hiking in the sort of muggy atmosphere that drenched your clothes even when you didn't sweat. Or if you periodically slapped on a backpack and wandered around in the wild on the kind of days where every movement felt like it was being made through a curtain of old whipped cream. Or if you were, dare I mention it, a _nature nut_.

Which the sweltering Bean Scouts gathered in front of their camp flagpole most certainly were _not_.

"_Muuuuuuuuuuuurp_," moaned a short, bespectacled gray guinea pig, removing his scout beanie and attempting to fan himself with it. The cylinder of fabric went limp in his hands, too exhausted with combating the stagnant air to be much use for anything, and the guinea pig's nose began twitching frightfully as he made a sharp intake of breath. "I think my nasal passages are gonna _'splode!_"

Just behind the guinea pig, a pair of long-necked loons, one slightly taller than the other, looked ready to fall asleep on the spot. Several other scouts shared the same mopey, defeated countenance, some already flat on their backs and sighing heavily. Others were blissfully ignorant, like the purple dung beetles taking turns tasting each others' sweat and comparing the number of flies they'd each attracted. And still others tried to make it all into a game—like the orange Brazilian spider monkey with his red neckerchief wrapped around his head like a turban.

"YAAAAAAAH!" he cried enthusiastically, swinging a twig through the air like a sword. He was aiming at a pygmy albino rhinoceros _also_ clad in necktie-turned-turban, who parried the blow masterfully with a stick of his own. The monkey struck a dramatic pose, giggling a little as he continued attacking. "I've got you _now_, Ally-BooBoo! The treasure of Abarabarabarabarabarabar will be _mine!_"

"Never!" retorted the rhinoceros in a husky but not unpleasant voice, gleefully sticking his tongue out of the corner of his mouth as he slashed more vigorously with his makeshift weapon. After a particularly complicated series of maneuvers, he actually managed to knock the monkey's stick away and bop him lightly on the head.

"OH NO, I'M _DEAD!_" the monkey squealed, flopping dramatically to the ground and pulling a fake white lily out of his pocket to clasp against his chest. After a moment's thought, though, he lifted his head slightly and grinned at the rhino. "Nice move, Clam—I mean, ALLY-BOOBOO! But my faithful servant _Rajafar_ will avenge me!"

There was a pause as both monkey and rhinoceros waited expectantly for the vengeance. After it became clear that none was forthcoming, the monkey pushed himself up onto his elbows and looked over at a nearby peach-skinned elephant, who was doubled over and panting ferociously. "Raj! Aren't you going to _avenge_ me?"

"Sorry—" gasped Raj in a high-pitched Indian accent, removing his necktie to mop his forehead, "s-sorry, Lazlo, boot I cannot _stand_ dis infernal HEAT und MUGGINESS! I theenk I'm going to get a _stroke!_" Although the elephant was most likely overreacting, he did, at least, seem tired, as his trunk was slack and his large, boxlike ears were drooping.

"Not to worry!" Lazlo replied cheerfully, not even seeming to notice the oppressive atmosphere. "I'll find someone _else_ to avenge me!" Jumping up onto his tiptoes to scan the small crowd, the spider monkey spotted a suitable warrior and began waving ecstatically towards him. "HEY EDWARD! WANNA PLAY?"

Edward, a cream-feathered platypus, rolled his eyes and gritted his teeth—though not necessarily in that order. "Oh, _suuuuuuuure_, Lazlo, I'll PLAY with you," he shot back scathingly. "There's nothin' I enjoy _more_ than running around senselessly in ninety-degree, ridiculously-humid weather." He glared at Lazlo. "Whadda _you_ think, you stupid monkey?!"

There was a small pause while Lazlo processed this sentence, then his face split into (were it possible) an even wider smile as he jumped up and down in joy. "YAAAAAAAAAAY!! EDWARD'S GONNA _PLAY_ WITH US!!"

Edward's brown, beaverlike tail bristled fiercely with the lighting of the platypus's notoriously short fuse, and his fists began quiveringly clenching and unclenching at his sides. "I was bein' _sarcastic_, you maroon!" he snapped, pulling at his collar to try and air himself out from the irritating heat. Seeing as Lazlo was still grinning excitedly, Edward realized the futility of pursuing this argument and instead transferred his aggravation onto another topic. "Now why d'heck did Slinkman call us all out here anyway?!"

Perfectly on cue, a short yellow banana slug in Assistant Scoutmaster uniform hurried over to a podium conveniently set up in front of the flagpole, quickly unfolding a piece of paper that had apparently been written up for the occasion. "Er, um, quiet down, scouts," he implored, trying to blink the sweat off of his eye stalks. The whining immediately ceased, and, clearing his throat, Slinkman continued. "Scoutmaster Lumpus has informed me that today is the set date for our annual..." Here he squinted, lowering his stalks to peer at the paper. "..._Hike-a-thon?_ Where you hike until you're as far away from camp as _possible?_" Slinkman coughed, seeing as he _knew_ he'd read the paper correctly, and tried to make the best of the situation in his normal manner. "W-well, I'm sure that it will be a lot of _fun_, and very informative, and it'll help you all get in touch with the nature around you..."

"Yeah RIGHT!" interrupted Edward, crossing his arms and looking self-righteously belligerent. "_Lump_us just wants ta' spend a day without any of _us_ around ta' bother him!"

Slinkman grinned weakly and a little sheepishly. "Now, Edward, Scoutmaster Lump—"

"DARN RIGHT!" came the voice of an adult moose from the Scoutmaster's cabin. If any of the scouts besides Lazlo and Clam had taken the time to look, they'd have seen their irritable troop leader at one of the uppermost windows, glaring down at them through his tinted glasses. "I NEED SOME PEACE AND QUIET ONCE IN A WHILE TO CATCH UP ON MY _WORK!_"

With that he left the window, headed over to his desk and picked up the latest issue of _Cosmo Girl_.

There was a somewhat awkward silence after this proclamation, broken only by an "_Ohhh!_" from Lazlo as he jumped onto the podium, squinting up at Lumpus's cabin. "He's _shy!_" proclaimed the monkey, spreading his arms in a gesture of love. "He just doesn't wanna admit that he wants us to go out and have _fun_. I APPRECIATE IT, SCOUTMASTER _LUMP_US!"

"Appreciate!" Clam echoed, accentuating this with a series of entertaining noises that he then produced with his armpit.

"Scouts, scouts, _settle down!_" Slinkman tapped the podium a few times for good measure, after which Lazlo jumped back to the ground. Narrowing his eyes at Lumpus's cabin, the slug resumed, "Now, Beans, I _realize_ that hiking might not be the most enjoyable way to spend such an admittedly unpleasant day, but it seems that you'll have to make the most of it. That being said, I want you all to find a hiking buddy to trek into the forest with. There's an even number of us here, so _no threesomes_."

At this last proclamation, Lazlo, Raj and Clam gasped, Clam's jaw almost literally hitting the ground. The three had already started planning what route they were going to take and what games they could play on the way.

"No three?" asked Clam in near-monotone, small ears sagging slightly.

Raj wasn't nearly so calm, his knees knocking and teeth chattering. "NOO THREESOMES? WHAT WILL I _DO?_ I CANNOT ABANDON _EIDDER_ OF YOU!"

Clam's shoulders were hunched up almost to his neck, and then in a burst of emotion he threw out his arms and squeezed both of his companions into a touching (but lung-crunching) hug. "But Clam _love_ Raj and Lazlo!"

Lazlo waved the matter away with an airy flick of his wrist, his long tail bobbing upwards as he slowly managed to pry Clam off of him. "_Relax_, guys," he reassured them while similarly freeing Raj. "_I'll_ volunteer to go with someone else! You two can stay together."

Raj sniffled exaggeratedly, his eyes brimming with tears at the monkey's "noble sacrifice", and he suddenly grasped both of Lazlo's hands in his own. "Lazlo, you are a _true_ friend," he commended movingly before releasing one of his grips and punching a fist resolutely into the air. "I WILL NEVER FORGET DIS!"

On the other side of the crowd, Edward made frustrated groany noises, digging his feet into the dirt. As could be expected, the loons had already paired up with each other, and likewise the dung beetle twins and the four lemmings. This was all just so stupid. Among the many things he never wanted to do in life, he _certainly_ didn't want to go tromping off in the wilderness, ESPECIALLY not with a "_hiking buddy_".

...Unless that hiking buddy was Veronica. But that was an entirely different story.

"Yo, SAMSON!" snapped the platypus, stalking in the guinea pig's direction. "Get your fuzzy butt over here! You're my partner."

Samson turned slowly, blinking and nervously fiddling with his glasses as Edward's journey came to a halt just in front of him. "I—Gee, I'm _sorry_, Edward," stammered the guinea pig, pointing at a tall walrus next to him, "but I'm _Freddy's_ partner!"

Edward confronted this problem like he did most other conundrums: with an utter lack of tact. "Just _ditch_ 'im! He's one of those campers nobody cares about anyway, who'll notice?!"

Freddy coughed pointedly, unfurling a sheet of paper and explaining the matter in a voice oddly reminiscent of Gomer Pyle's. "Accordin' to my contract, Platypus, I'm required to be paired up with one of the quote-unquote 'main characters' for a minimum of _one_ major camp activity each week. You'll notice that Samson is alphabetically next in line."

Violently snatching the document from the walrus, Edward skimmed the text to ascertain this before thrusting it back to Freddy and collapsing dramatically to his knees. "CURSE YOU, JOE MURRAY!!"

Once Samson and Freddy had shuffled off elsewhere, Edward muttered something nasty and stood, brushing off his knees. "Naaaaaaaaaaawh, _whaddever!_" he scoffed, tromping towards the woods. "I'll just go hikin' by _myself_."

"No can do, Edward..."

Instinctively Edward froze, turning and glaring reproachfully at Slinkman. Though the slug was older than him, he wasn't much taller, and so Edward could do this in confidence. "_What?_"

"All campers must have a hiking buddy when going on a hike," stated the Assistant Scoutmaster, pointing out the corresponding line in a small handbook that had suddenly appeared in his hand. (Funnily enough, the slug didn't even seem to notice that the tome was upside-down.) "Says so right here on page 247.3A, paragraph 12B."

Edward gritted his teeth, throwing his arms up in the air. "OK, _fine_, I'll GET a stupid hiking buddy!!" He put his hands on his hips and scowled in every direction, noting all of the rapidly departing pairs. "WHO'S LEFT?"

"_Edwaaaaaaaaard!_"

Oh. **No**.

Lazlo skipped excitedly over to Edward, running in circles around the horrified platypus. "YAY! I get to go hiking with _Edward!_" he rejoiced, grabbing Edward's wrists and spinning him wildly around. "Aren't you so HAPPY, buddy?!"

Snapping out of his shock, Edward tore his hands out of Lazlo's grasp and flung the monkey to the side, diving for Slinkman's feet. "Oh, PLEASE, Mr. Slinkman, sir, _not LAZLO!!_" he begged desperately, grabbing the slug's ankles and trembling like a barn in a tornado. "Anything but this! I'll do all the camp chores for a month! I'll be your personal slave! _I'll gnaw my own legs off before I go hiking with Lazlo!_"

While some of these options were somewhat tempting to the Assistant Scoutmaster, when it came down to it Slinkman couldn't bring himself to deviate from the official Bean Scout rules. "Sorry, Edward," he apologized sincerely, carefully stepping out of the platypus's stranglehold as he held up the (still upside-down) book again, "but the handbook..."

"SCREW THE HANDBOOK!!" cried Edward desperately, clawing at the dirt as Lazlo started dragging him towards the camp gates by the tail. "I'LL HAND-BATHE _LUMP_US TWICE DAILY! I'LL PERSONALLY CLEAN THE LATRINES! I'LL GO DEEP INTO SQUIRREL SCOUT TERRITORY WHILE THAT OGRE MISS MUCUS IS ON WATCH! HECK, I'LL EVEN _JOIN_ THE SQUIRREL SCOUTS! **JUST DON'T LEAVE ME WITH THIS MONKEYYYY!!**"

Edward probably continued ranting for quite some time after that, but Slinkman managed to tune him out by conjuring up pleasant memories of Slugfest '95. A moonlit night, slime on the ground, eye stalks tangling above the same magazine...

At length, Edward gave up with a pitiful, frustrated groan. At least it couldn't be worse than dung-sitting.

* * *

It was worse.

_Much_ worse.

When he'd had to look after Chip and Skip, they'd just _happened_ to be in potentially dangerous situations, which Edward inevitably got thrown into. Lazlo actively _sought out_ such situations.

"Ahoy, Edward, LOOK! We're on a PIRATE SHIP! I'm using a rope to swing over to the enemy ship's mast!"

"That's a TREE, you—YOWWWWWWWW!"

"Whoop! Heh...looks like we're in the Sea of Falling Pinecones, cap'n!"

Or this...

"NYAAAAAAAAWWWH! And here comes the pitch AND LAZLO SINKS IT—"

_Thwack!_

"GAAAAHHH!! THOSE'RE _ROCKS_, YOU NINCOMPOOP!"

"They're _baseballs_, Edward! And I _think_ you're s'posed to CATCH them..."

And the worst of them all:

"Now that Edward the Clown has finished his routine, ladies an' gents, here comes the next big attraction—The Amazing Lazlo and his dancing bear!"

"Lazlo, you're not amazing, you're an IDIOT. And your 'dancing bear' is nothin' but a brainless figment of your imagination!"

"Oh, I wouldn't say that in front of Nermal if I was you..."

"Who in d'hey is NermOHMYG_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!_"

"Hey look, Nermal wants to play!"

It was the worst form of torture anyone could have ever imposed on the poor platypus, even if such torture had been carefully planned and structured and even included an unexpected visit from the Spanish Inquisition. As well, any attempts to ditch Lazlo would be immediately noticed by said monkey, and Edward would be jokingly chastised for "accidentally getting lost".

Were he older and more used to such thoughts, Edward would have been seriously contemplating suicide.

Edward groaned and pulled at his face, hand traveling down his tattered and abused feathers and his nicked bill. Lazlo, of course, was without a scratch, living some sort of charmed life. It was a twisted aspect of yin and yang: however badly Edward was ever damaged, Lazlo was always equally unscathed. And for every ounce of anger and exhaustion inside Edward, Lazlo harbored an equivalent amount of happiness and excitement.

"Look, Edward, a cave!" cried the easily-pleased monkey, tugging eagerly at Edward's sleeve and pointing at a large hole penetrating the side of a nearby hillock. The platypus swatted harshly at Lazlo's hands, but Lazlo merely ducked behind him and leaned over his shoulder, ejaculating various "_ooh_"s and "_aah_"s. "I wonder what's in it? Let's go _exploring!_"

"No," Edward replied testily, angrily elbowing the monkey in a futile effort to regain some personal space. Lazlo cocked his head curiously to the side, moving in front of Edward again as the platypus crossed his arms. "I'm not settin' one _foot_ in dat cave. If _you_ tell me to go somewhere, it prob'ly contains some kinda' HORRIBLE death trap dat'll repeatedly _maim_ and _maul_ me, but stop until I'm just OK enough ta' live in preparation fer _another_ round of suffering!!"

Lazlo's eyes grew wide as he listened to this tirade, and he clasped his hands as a wide smile spread across his face. "Wow, Edward, that sounds like a _great_ game!!" he gushed. "Have you ever played it before?"

Edward opened his mouth to speak, then let out another defeated sigh and rubbed his forehead. "All my freakin' _life_."

On his side of the conversation, Lazlo was genuinely impressed. "You must be an _expert_ at it then!" the monkey commended, grabbing the knot in Edward's necktie and using it to bodily haul him inside the opening. "C'mon!"

Ignoring the struggling platypus, Lazlo hurried on inside, running a hand along the dirt-packed ceiling hanging only a few inches above his head. As he went, he enthusiastically pointed out various stones, blades of grass and natural indents in the ground, acting like a kid in an old-time Candy Shoppe. "Ooh, look over there, it's a pit full of crocodiles! Watch your step! And over there, an armed machine gun and a HUGE MAGNET! And _there's_ a giant boulder ready to drop on our heads!"

At last Edward had had enough. "If only one would drop on _your_ head!" he retorted sharply. Digging his heels in the soft dirt floor of the cave, he tore his tie out of Lazlo's hand and readjusted the knot as though the monkey's touch had contaminated it. Lazlo stopped, confused, and turned to face Edward with a questioning expression. The platypus decided to spell his thoughts out plainly in case that had a better chance of navigating through Lazlo's personal LaLaLand. "Lazlo, I'm _sick_ an' _tired_ of bein' your twisted plaything! For the past _two hours_, you've gotten me injured an' mutilated in so many unique ways dat, had it been intentional, I'd be forced ta' _congratulate_ you." He crossed his arms with an air of finality, teeth firmly clenched. "As for now, though, _I'm goin' back ta' camp!_"

Lazlo blinked slowly as Edward impatiently tapped his foot, and he wondered whether the spider monkey had actually heard or _understood_ any of it. Evidently he had, as in a moment Lazlo replied cheerfully, "OK!" before gesturing to a head-sized rock embedded in the soft dirt wall of the miniature cavern. "Just be careful of that _switch_, though. It activates an atomic warhead designed to blow this place_ sky-high!_"

Edward's mouth opened to shoot off a scornful remark—but then he stopped, and a worrying smile stretched across his face as a new thought occurred to him. Since Lazlo was so rarely in the _real_ world, the only plausible way to get to him would be through his little fantasies. So, with an evil smirk, Edward asked, "Y'mean, _this_ 'switch'?" and casually leaned against it.

What he'd been expecting at the _very_ least was for Lazlo to simulate the noise of a hideous explosion, or ideally for him to scream in terror at the imaginary occurrence. What he _hadn't_ expected was to hear non-Lazlo-generated rumbles as the walls of the cave began shaking, or for the terrified cries to be his own as part of the entrance started to crash down in front of them. He certainly didn't expect that he would be cowering behind Lazlo as the dust settled, gripping the monkey's shoulders so tightly that Lazlo's fingers were tingling with numbness.

"Whoaaa..." Lazlo breathed as he stared at the cave mouth, which had been completely blocked up by the dirt and rocks from the walls and ceiling. Lightly extricating himself from Edward's death grip, he stepped over to the mound of debris and experimentally poked it. Some clumps of dirt came loose, but for the most part it was packed in tight. "That '_switch_' musta' been a KEYSTONE! Moving it weakened the side of the cave, which made the ceiling fall. And now we're _trapped!_"

The monkey was saying this so cheerfully that Edward might've killed him then and there if he wasn't so scared out of his wits. "How—how're we gonna get out?" he stammered, tiptoeing cautiously towards the entrance as if even his footsteps could send the rest of the place tumbling down on them.

Lazlo blinked, his tail twitching slightly, then he smiled and spread his arms wide. "I have _no idea!_"

There was a short moment of silence as Edward's heart abruptly stopped. He was trapped. Completely and utterly trapped in a small, confined space with small hope for rescue. And he was trapped in this small, confined space with _Lazlo_.

He'd been wrong again. There _was_ a more perfect torture.

* * *

Raj lifted his head curiously at the sound of a long, horrified scream coming from some other neck of the woods. Turning, he tapped Clam on the shoulder, interrupting the rhino just as he was about to start eating a small plant sitting in their path. "CLAM! Did you hear _dat?_ Eet sounded like EDWARD!"

Clam cocked his ears slightly at this, momentarily forsaking his unexpected lunch, but the echoes of the cry had already faded away. He blinked slowly, thinking back. "Edward? He with Lazlo?"

"Meb_bee_," replied the Indian elephant, rubbing his trunk worriedly. "Dey _could_ be in trouble! **OH NO!!**"

This thought made him start shaking, but after a moment Raj stiffened in realization of something, started to smile and then was practically rolling on the ground, laughing hysterically and attracting all manner of wood ticks...not that he knew of the latter, though.

"What funny?" Clam inquired curiously, walking over to Raj and staring confusedly down at him. While the elephant often had distressingly random mood swings, this was one of the most severe ones yet.

"Oh—HAHAHA—oh, joost theenkeeng, Clam..." Wiping his eyes, Raj sat up, unwinding his neckerchief and blowing his trunk on it as he continued to giggle. "I was remembering dat Edward cannot _stand_ Lazlo so much! He's probably been _scared_ of some imaginary GAME dat Lazlo's created! _WOOOHAHAHAHAHAAA!_"

"Heh heh," stated Clam in a monotone, though his smile was genuine. "Wish Clam could see." That being said, the albino rhinoceros plopped himself back on the ground, plucked out the plant and started munching contentedly on it.

"Ohhh, Clam, me toooo," Raj replied, shaking with more silent chuckles. Then he paused, raising an eyebrow as he looked at Clam. "By de way, ees dat poison ivy?"

* * *

"Be careful, men! This's a _very dangerous_ mission, and only WE can carry it out! At any moment the bunker will notice we're gone, so we have to dismantle this doomsday device before it can hurt anyone else! You ready, Private Edward?"

"Don't _call_ me dat!" Edward snapped, slapping at the air between him and Lazlo. The monkey was kneeling on the ground beside him, bent over an imaginary WMD. Grumbling, Edward refolded his arms and slouched down against the back wall of the cave. "I'm not gonna play your stupid game. How c'n you be _playing_ anyways when you know dat WE'RE GONNA ROT HERE FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY??"

Lazlo shrugged, getting up off his knees. "I'm just trying to make it more fun," he replied, dusting off his black pants. Then he half-spasmed, pointing frantically at something over Edward's shoulder. "OH NO, Private Edward! A host of mechanical zombie werewolves have just found us! You've gotta fight them off while I finish deactivating the device!"

The platypus remained motionless save for narrowing his eyes. "I'm not fightin' off any imaginary zombies, _Lazlo_. If there WERE any zombies, I'd tell 'em ta' _eat_ you."

Out of all possible reactions this statement could've gotten from Lazlo, he hadn't quite expected dawning comprehension. "Ohhhh, _I_ get it!" Lazlo cried, intertwining his hands and bouncing up and down on the tips of his toes. "_That'd_ buy you enough time to escape and find the rest of the bunker so everyone else could swoop in, take apart the doomsday device and defeat the mechanical zombie werewolves! And _then_ you could get Surgeon Leslie to remove me from the one zombie's stomach before _digestion_ occurred!" The monkey smacked himself lightly on the forehead, shaking his head incredulously. Then, removing his hand, he beamed at his companion. "You're _brilliant_, Edward! I'd _never_ have thought of that!"

OK. Edward had just _insulted_ Lazlo, stating his pure, undying hatred for the monkey in the only sort of terms that Lazlo might understand. And here he was _praising_ him.

On another day it would have been a moral conundrum, Edward having received one of the nicest compliments in his life from the one he despised the most. But on another day he wouldn't have been pre-annoyed from enduring hours of concentrated Lazloness.

Edward gave a groaning sigh. "Look, Lazlo," he stated, glowering, "I'm secretly a double agent. I _work_ for da bad guys. I'm the one who led the zombie-thingies _to_ ya. An' I just made them devour you so _I_ could use the doomsday device an' BLOW UP THE WORLD!"

Lazlo's eyes widened. "_Ooooooooooooooooh_," he marveled, then struck a corny samurai pose, deepening his voice dramatically. "PRIVATE EDWARD, YOU TRAITOR! I'LL BUST RIGHT OUT OF THIS MECHANICAL ZOMBIE WEREWOLF STOMACH AND THEN I'LL DEFEAT _YOU!_"

Making a derogatory _pffft_ noise, Edward rested one side of his face in his palm. "You _can't_ bust out of dat stomach. The walls're coated with tiny parasites that're devourin' you even as the zombie's digestive juice starts workin'."

Pausing to take this all in, Lazlo rubbed his chin hesitantly. "Well...I..." Suddenly he straightened decisively. "I'VE GOT SOME NANOBOTS IN MY POCKET DESIGNED TO _EAT_ MINIATURE MECHANICAL ZOMBIE WEREWOLF STOMACH WALL PARASITES!"

Edward calmly lowered his eyelids. "No you _don't_," he rejoined, slumping down further against the wall as he made a circular motion with one forefinger. "Da stomach acid already _decomposed_ your nanobots. You're helpless."

Lazlo's mind was obviously racing furiously. "Well, I—" he stammered, reaching deep into every corner of his creative nature, "I—I can—I've got—" At last he exhaled massively, grinning at Edward as he placed both hands on his hips. "Wow, Edward, you've got me _stumped!_ You're really GOOD at this game!"

With a jolt, Edward realized what he'd just been doing and broke out in a cold sweat. He'd been _playing along with Lazlo_. Actually going with the monkey's imagination.

This long exposure to the nitwit had apparently driven him insane.

"Well, Edward?" asked Lazlo, interrupting the platypus's horrified thoughts. He was still smiling eagerly, ears wiggling a little. "Any hints on how I can get out of here?"

"NO!" Edward snapped, whirling around to face the opposite direction. _Out of sight, out of mind_. Well, they BOTH seemed to be out of their minds at the moment...

"Figger it out _y'self_."

As always, Edward's mood didn't even seem to register on the monkey as he settled down for a good think.

* * *

It had taken about twenty minutes for Lazlo to come up with a possible escape route, one that involved a handy tin of sardines, some form of inflatable, parasite-proof raft and a feather, which Lazlo gleefully plucked from the back of Edward's head when the platypus wasn't paying attention. Though the monkey had been rewarded with a smarting forearm for this innovation, Lazlo had only been all the more ecstatic, as he had assumed that this had been the opening strike of his epic battle against the treacherous Private Edward, which he then thoroughly threw himself into. It was very difficult for Edward to resist an opportunity to attack Lazlo, but he didn't want to give the monkey the pleasure of knowing that Edward was playing with him. So he mostly made angry noises and tried to avoid Lazlo's grasp.

It seemed to take forever for Lazlo to get tired of that game, but then he'd decided that it was Edward's destiny to be Platypus Khan, conqueror of Kidneyopia and rival of Lazilla the Hun. And from there Edward's identity had transitioned to Two-Gun Quail, hundred-and-forty-seventh-fastest gun in the West; to Lumberjack Mike, protector of the forest; to Little Ed, companion of the valiant Lazlo Hood; to Scoutmaster Lumpus (who Lazlo professed that Edward was _very_ good at imitating); and to so many other personas that it took Edward special concentration to remember his real name. Even though he was pointedly _not playing_.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaw, come _on_, Edward!" coaxed Lazlo, though in too happy a tone for Edward to be proud of being begged. As fast as Edward tried to move away, Lazlo still managed to grab his arm and tug enthusiastically at it. "Anything can be _fun_ if you use your IMAGINATION!"

"Not _this!_" Edward retorted, snatching his limb out of Lazlo's hands and scrambling away. Keeping an eye on Lazlo to make sure he didn't sneak up on him, Edward undid his neckerchief and flapped it about slightly in an attempt to dry it out. The humidity was even worse in here, seeing as the air was so tightly compacted. He was surprised that the oxygen hadn't run out yet. ...And that he could _see_ so well with no apparent source of light. "Look, Lazlo," he resumed, holding the still-damp cloth between his forefingers and thumbs, "bein' stuck in a blocked-off cave wit' _you_ is NOT what I would _ever_ call, under _any_ circumstances, 'fun'. No matter _how_ much imagination I use, YOU'RE still _here_."

Lazlo didn't even pick up on the fact that he wasn't wanted—or, if he did, the idyllic paradise of his mind translated it into a more pleasing statement. "Maybe _my_ fun is different from _your_ fun!" he suggested brightly. Then he was somehow right in Edward's face again, smiling that same oblivious smile. "_You_ pick a game this time, Edward!"

Edward's tail arched, and he backed away from Lazlo again. "No WA—" he began, then stopped as he was struck by a thought. The corners of his mouth turned up slyly in an evil grin. "Why, _yes_, Lazlo, I _do_ know a game. In fact, it's the most _fun_ game that's ever been created. It's called 'Leave Edward Alone Until Both Of Us Suffocate And/Or Starve, Thereby Allowing Him A Happy Death'."

The monkey blinked, cocking an eyebrow skeptically. "Gee, I dunno, Edward. That doesn't sound like a very fun game..." He shrugged doubtfully. "I mean, I don't even know how to _play_ it!"

"It's very simple," replied Edward, feigning excitement as he threw his hands up into the air. "We _both_ be as quiet as possible an' don't speak ta' each other or make physical contact until we inevitably die!" He then plopped himself on the floor of the cave, pointing to another spot on the ground as far away from him as possible. "Now _you_ sit _there_, and we'll start!"

Still seeming a bit uncertain, Lazlo nevertheless sat where he was directed and stared blankly into space, legs extended in front of him and hands on his knees, tail waving rhythmically from side to side. Edward remained tense for a minute or so, expecting the monkey to start talking again, but, after it was clear that Lazlo was going to be silent, he relaxed, shutting his eyes and leaning back with a sigh. At _last_ he was getting a break. Given a choice, he would've preferred almost any death that didn't involve Lazlo, but at the very least he wouldn't have to hear Lazlo's irritating voice during his final moments.

"_Hee hee heeeeeeee_..."

Edward's eyes snapped open, and he looked in Lazlo's direction to see the monkey covering his mouth and giggling uncontrollably at something. "_Whaaat?_"

Lazlo didn't even open his eyes, kicking his legs frantically and half-rolling in place. "Chef McMeusli," he replied cryptically, his shoulders shaking with continued laughter. "He just fell in the soda river, and he has to drink it all or else he'll drown. In my head. An', remember, he _hates_ soda!"

As the giggling continued, Edward realized with a sinking feeling the utter futility of asking Lazlo to be quiet. This was certainly going to be a long trip to the afterlife.

* * *

Rubbing his eye stalks tiredly, Slinkman counted out the scouts that he'd ordered to return to camp, marking each pair off on a list attached to a clipboard as they passed the camp gates. "That's Larry and Liniment," he muttered, marking off two of the teal Lemmings, "...and Samson and Freddy, Dave and Pingpong...Chip and Ski—HEY, _WAIT_ A MINUTE!" Snapping to attention, the Assistant Scoutmaster looked wildly from the list to the pair entering the camp. "I already checked _off_ Chip and Skip, what're they doing _returning_ agai—Oh, wait, that's just the other two Lemmings, they must've been dumpster-diving behind the mess hall...SORRY, BOYS!"

The next pair through the gate was Raj and Clam, covered from head to toe in disgusting-looking leaves with an even more disgusting odor and laughing uproariously. "Oh—Oh, CLAM, dat was de _biggest_ patch of stinkweed dat I haff ever _seen!_" cried Raj, pinwheeling his arms in the air and flapping his trunk around. "I did not know dat getting _stinky_ could be soo much FUN!"

"Lotsa' fun!" Clam echoed, waving to Slinkman as they passed him. "Hi, clean person!"

Slinkman self-consciously recoiled from the presence of stinkweed and quickly checked off the two names, scanning the list as he did so. He rubbed the top of his head, jostling his beanie. "Well...that seems to be everyone," he decided, then made such a wild double-take that his eye stalks practically stretched out an inch. "Hold up for a gosh-darn minute! Where are Lazlo and Edward?"

Wasting no time, the banana slug ran into the Scoutmaster's cabin (startling Lumpus in the middle of lip-synching to the hit tunes of a famous pop diva) and grabbed the microphone lying on a nearby desk, surreptitiously switching on the loudspeakers atop the flagpole. The wires snaking up the pole shuddered and fizzled, but at length the speakers crackled to life and Slinkman's message blared across the camp. **"Attention all campers, attention all campers. All Bean Scouts report to the flagpole, repeat all Bean Scouts report to the flagpole for a mandatory roll call."**

"What's all _this_ about?!" snapped Lumpus, trying to hide his embarrassment as well as the offending karaoke machine behind his back. But Slinkman had already left the cabin and was hurriedly counting the boys already assembling by the flagpole.

The two he was looking for were still absent.

"What's going on?" asked the taller loon, Pingpong, concernedly. Slinkman's yellow face had gone a little pale.

"Has—" he began, gulping slightly, "has anyone seen Lazlo or Edward?"

* * *

"An' now he's in the jungle of old dairy products, an'—LOOK OUT, CHEF MCMEUSLI!!" Lazlo burst out in a fit of giggles, fists beating the dirt-packed floor. Edward sighed tiredly.

"What _now?_" he inquired tonelessly.

Attempting to stifle his laughing fit, Lazlo wrapped both hands around his stomach. This breach of a tickle spot only increased his amusement, though, and it was a good minute or two before he was able to answer. "He—" the monkey gasped, knees banging against each other, "he—_he just fell in a pool of yogurt! And the only thing he can use as a life preserver is a DOUGHNUT!!_ WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!"

Edward ground his teeth, steeling himself in case stupidity was catching.

* * *

"You wanna do _what_ now?!" demanded Scoutmaster Lumpus, antlers glinting menacingly. He wasn't pleased at being forcibly dragged in front of the flagpole by Samson. Samson was even less pleased, as the adult moose had thrown all manner of blunt objects at him after he'd entered the Scoutmaster's cabin unbidden. (He was now huddled behind the podium and muttering an extensive chorus of _Murp_s in an attempt to recuperate.)

"I'm organizing a search party to find Lazlo and Edward," Slinkman replied worriedly, his cap in his hands. "They didn't return when I posted the announcement, and I'm afraid that they might be in trouble."

"_Pssssssh_." Lumpus dismissed the plight of the scouts with a wave of his hand, eyes narrowing behind yellow-tinted glasses. "They're not good for anything _anyway!_ Who's gonna miss a scout here or there?"

The other Bean Scouts still gathered around the flagpole looked at each other nervously. However, Slinkman planted his feet firmly apart and resolutely jabbed a thumb at himself.

"I'LL miss them, Scoutmaster Lumpus, _sir!_" spat the banana slug angrily. "These kids are like my own _sons!_ They—" He stopped mid-rant, changing tactics as he crossed his arms. "And besides, if we don't find them, I'll have to report you to Commander Hoo-Ha. You'll be lucky if you're even allowed to lick his _boots_ after THAT meeting."

Lumpus gasped, emitting a high-pitched scream as he clapped both hands to his face. "NOT A _FIRM REPRIMAND!!_" he bewailed, running madly around in circles and flapping his arms before coming to a halt by Slinkman and hauling the slug into the air by the neckerchief. "FIND THEM, SLINKMAN!! FIND THE MONKEY AND THE—uhh..._DUCK-THING!_"

"Platypus, sir." As Lumpus started wringing his fists in the background, Slinkman turned to the scouts once again and raised both hands in a gesture of peace. "Now, scouts, we must be _organized_ about this. Who saw or heard either Lazlo or Edward last?"

A tiny squeak was emitted from the crowd, and the Beans parted to show Raj and Clam in the middle of attempting to towel off the stinkweed, both with forefingers raised timidly.

"...Sluggy...?" began the rhinoceros uncertainly.

* * *

"Lazlo."

"Yes, Edward?"

"Why do you enjoy bugging me so much?"

This question was a surprise to Lazlo, and he showed as much with a jump of his curly tail and the sudden halt in his ramblings. "Wh...what do you mean?" he asked confusedly, drawing his knees up under his chin. Didn't Edward _like_ hearing about the adventures of his imaginary Chef McMeusli?

"Y'_know_..." Edward shrugged stiffly, arms still grouchily crossed over his chest. "Tryin' ta' make me play your stupid _games_ with you. Always tellin' me every detail of your life up to that point whenever you run inta' me. Makin' a fool out of me by stealin' my thunder all the time."

After a second Lazlo brightened, and he sat up straighter as he started chuckling in imagined realization. "Ohhhhhhh, _wait_ a minute...this is a new _game_, isn't it? You're ZEUS, god of thunder, and I just stole all your lightning bolts!"

"_No!_ This is NOT a freakin' game!" shouted Edward, fully exasperated. "It's an _expression_, Lazlo. An EXPRESSION." He rose to his feet, fists at his sides, and glared down at Lazlo. The fact that the monkey was still seated made him feel taller, and therefore more in control. "And _dat's_ what I'm talkin' about TOO! Always tryin' ta' drag me into your own little world. WELL, I'M PART OF DA _REAL_ WORLD!"

For once in his life, Lazlo looked a little crushed. "But...but this _is_ the real world, Edward," he stated slowly, looking up at the platypus. Edward quickly became unnerved by the pure naïveté of Lazlo's stare, and sat back down again in an attempt to try and deal with it at a different level. Lazlo kept quiet for a moment, trying to put his thoughts into words, then resumed, using hand gestures to further explain the concepts he wanted to convey. "Anything...anything you _imagine_ is real. 'Cus...it's part of..._you_. And you're real, Edward...and I'm real...and Raj and Clam are real...and Scoutmaster _Lump_us...and everyone else at Camp Kidney, and even the Squirrel Scouts. The stuff inside your mind is real as long as you believe in it."

Edward ground his teeth against the monkey's idealism, making a spitting motion off to the side. "Yeah, _sure_, Lazlo," he scoffed. "An' I bet dat _Santy Claus_ is real too."

"Uh-_huh_." The straightforward answer took Edward slightly aback, but Lazlo went on before the platypus even opened his mouth to comment. "He's real, Edward, if you _believe_ in him. The real world is what we see, hear, smell, feel, taste and _think_. So we actually all have our own 'real worlds'. And, in mine, there _is_ a Santa Claus."

Finished with his speech, Lazlo leaned back against the wall and stretched out his legs, unusually quiet. Edward, too, remained silent, unused to hearing the monkey wax so philosophical. But the concept actually made _sense_, in a kind of vague, obscure way...

"Dat's the stupidest thing I ever heard," Edward stated flatly. Then, for good measure: "Dumber than _you_ usually are."

For the first time since they'd met, something seemed to suddenly occur to Lazlo, and he raised his ears tremblingly. "...Edward?" he asked quietly, eyes welling up a little. "You don't...you don't _like_ me?"

"_No_. No, I _don't_, Lazlo." The words came out in more of a monotone than they usually would have. Maybe the thinning air was getting to him. "I don't like you at _all_."

"W-why not?"

Edward's head snapped around towards Lazlo, almost smacking the monkey in the head with his bill. "Haven't you been payin' _attention?_" he demanded irritably, counting off on his fingers. "You're constantly harassin' me, you're obsessed with tryin' ta' make me play with you, your poetic thoughts are _dumb_, you're always hoggin' MY glory, and, without even _meanin'_ to, ya always manage ta' get me in trouble and/or a _wheelchair!_" Edward refolded his arms sullenly, glowering in the opposite direction. "...An' besides," he mumbled, so quietly that Lazlo could barely hear it, "everyone _likes_ you."

Lazlo cocked his head to the side, removing his beanie and looking down at the platypus with a concerned expression. "But everyone likes you _too_, Edward..."

Twitching his tail, Edward snorted. "_Suuure_. Even if they _do_ like me, they don't like me as much as they like _you_." Encouraged slightly by Lazlo's patient silence, Edward went on, though he made a show of being reluctant to do so. "I've got more siblings than I c'n _remember_ sometimes, an' my mom's a regular _prison warden_. Whenever I get attention at home, it's usually for doin' somethin' _wrong_. So I go ta' camp to escape _that_ an' get some attention from other kids. I had to try _so hard_ to get them ta' like me, an' then YOU won all their hearts wit'out even _tryin'_." Now he lowered his head onto his downy arms, making a sort of derisive grunt. "I had it all goin' fine 'til _you_ came along."

There was an unusually long silence after that, and Edward looked sharply around at Lazlo to see if he'd actually been listening at all. To his utmost surprise, there were _tears_ running down the monkey's cheeks, staining the dirt-brown floor. "Hey, _waitaminnit_—" Edward began frantically, but was cut off by a loud sob.

"_WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!_" Lazlo snuffled, wiping his nose on his furry arm, and continued to bawl. "That's—that's—that's so _sad_, Edward! No WONDER you're so m-mean to everybody!" He flopped face-down on the ground in front of the incredulous platypus, his back heaving spastically. "I NEVER KNEEEEEEEEWWW!!"

"It's not dat big a deal," Edward countered irritably, over his surprise by now. Lazlo looked up at him with wide, red eyes, and Edward cringed a little at the sight. However, he quickly resumed an authoritative pose and pointed commandingly at the monkey. "Now stop dat stupid cryin'! It's annoyin' me."

Lazlo dried his eyes obligingly, emitting one final sniff before scrambling back into a sitting position. He continued to fix Edward with a mournful stare for a while, occasionally hiccuping. Edward groaned, uncomfortable with this extreme degree of pity, and tried to occupy his mind with other things. At length, though, Lazlo broke the silence.

"Edward? Do...do you think we'll ever get out of here?"

"I doubt it," was the stoic reply.

Lazlo sighed and hiccuped again, rocking back and forth gently in place. Then:

"It's gonna be a lonely rest of our lives..."

Somehow, Edward just couldn't summon up the energy to make a nasty remark. Instead, he merely asked, "So what?"

His only answer was silence, and he was aware with an increasing irritation that Lazlo was still watching him with the old clichéd "lost puppy" look. He snarled slightly at the monkey, but Lazlo's eyes only began wobbling with the threat of tears again.

At length, Edward made an exasperated sigh and threw his hands into the air. "Aw'right, _aw'right!_" he grumbled, hissing slightly as he extended a hand to Lazlo and forced the unpleasant words out. "I'll _be_ your...f-f-_friend_. BUT ONLY FOR AS LONG AS WE'RE IN THIS CAVE, AN' IF WE'RE EVER RESCUED YOU C'N _NEVER_ TELL ANYONE AS LONG AS YOU LIVE! AND I _WON'T_ PLAY ANY OF YOUR _STUPID_ IMAGI—"

He was cut off there as Lazlo forsook the proffered handshake and bodily threw himself at Edward, wrapping the platypus in a bone-crushing hug as the overflow of happiness and relief took control of his muscular system. Edward, caught quite off-guard, began to immediately squirm and thrash in the surprising strength of the monkey's thin limbs. "I—STOP IT, YOU DIMWITTED BANANA-HEAD! LET _GO_ A' ME! I DIDN'T AGREE TO THIS!!"

"_Awwwwwwww_...isn't that _precious_."

Edward's head whipped up, and with a rush of adrenaline-induced strength he managed to shove Lazlo out to his arm's length. There in the ceiling of the cavern was a circular hole, down which were poking the identical heads of the loons Dave and Pingpong. Both were fluttering their eyelids mischievously, giggling nasally between themselves. Soon enough their faces were joined by those of Raj, Clam, Samson, Chip, Skip, all four Lemmings, Slinkman, and even each and every camper that nobody cared about—it _was_ a pretty big hole.

"GUYS!" shouted Edward, too relieved at the rescue to remember to escape Lazlo's grip. "You _found_ us!" Here he paused, slowly cocking an eyebrow as he thought of something. "But how did you know where to dig dat hole? ...An' how come I didn't feel any of the dirt fallin' down?"

"Whaddaya mean?" asked Samson confusedly, scratching his head and shrugging. "...Clam and Raj told us where they'd heard your scream from earlier, and then we just followed your voice and found this hole here."

Edward was struck completely speechless, his mind racing furiously to make some kind of sense out of this new information. Before his internal databanks were done with this new idea, though, Raj broke in with a light chuckle. "Dat was very _nice_ uff you, Edward," he commended, grinning toothily. "Agreeing to be Lazlo's _friend_ und all. I didn't t'ink you had eet _in_ you!"

"ALL FRIENDS NOW!" added Clam exuberantly, wagging his tail like a dog.

"The hole..." Edward stammered brokenly, his right eye twitching, "...dat hole was _there_ all...along? That's why we could breathe...and why I could still _see_—We..._could_ have escaped at..._any_ TIME?!"

Now both fists were raised, and the platypus's entire body was trembling with rage. "**LAAAAAAAAAAAAAZ**_**LOOOOOO!!**_"

"Whoops...heh heh...Didn't see that there..." Lazlo grinned sheepishly, then ducked out of the way as Edward took a swing at him, letting go of the platypus and scurrying out of the hole as several Bean Scouts obligingly dove out of the way for him. A roaring Edward followed soon after, shoving Slinkman out of the way as he pursued the orange monkey.

"I'M GONNA _GET_ YOU, LAZLO!! AN' I'M NOT EVEN GONNA **TELL** YOUR PARENTS WHEN I BUMP YOU OFF!! _NO JURY WOULD CONVICT ME!!_"

Slinkman exhaled a little, rubbing his bruised eye stalks and whipping out a clipboard. "Lazlo and Edward—_check_." He grinned slightly, watching the furious platypus pursue his quarry all the way back to the camp gate. "Things are back to normal...as normal as it gets, anyways."

As he finished saying this, he was swiftly bowled over by a torrent of campers hot on the heels of Edward. "FIVE LUNCH VOUCHERS SAYS EDWARD CATCHES HIM!" cried Samson, puffing enthusiastically at his inhaler and waving said vouchers in the air.

"No _way!_" countered Dave in a superior tone, jogging just ahead of the guinea pig. "Lazlo'll stay ahead of him 'till he gets tired and stops!"

"PLACE BETS! PLACE BETS!" Clam called as the mob faded into the distance.

Slinkman was just tiredly peeling himself off the ground when he was unceremoniously trodden on by the dung beetle twins, Chip and Skip. Both stood obliviously on the prone form of their Assistant Scoutmaster, diminutive brains attempting to figure out the correct way to achieve speech.

"Saaaaay, _Chip_," Skip asked at length in his strange drawl, a completely blank expression on his face, "what just happened?"

Chip stuck his tongue out in thought, giving several of his flies a handy landing strip. "I _dunno_." He paused, tapping his forehead with a rock he'd picked up somewhere. At length he came to a decision. "I think Lazlo gave Edward some pickles."

Skip nodded slowly, an obscure form of comprehension glinting in his eyes. Either that or some loose change. "Yeeeeeeeeeeah, I think you're right."

A long silence followed this proclamation (punctured only by Slinkman's groans of pain) as the dung beetles attempted to reason out what they should do next.

"I'm hungry, Chip."

"Yeah, me too."

"Wanna go get some pickles from Edward?"

"OK!"

* * *

A few days later the weather had cleared up somewhat, various wildflowers scattered across Camp Kidney finally daring to poke their heads out of the dust. No longer was it muggy, and the thin film of clouds stretched across the sun managed to block out the majority of its ultraviolet heat. In fact, the weather was so pleasant that Chef McMeusli had, with the bribe of Dave's new pile of lunch vouchers and the promise of an all-tofu barbecue later, begrudgingly allowed the campers some ice cream from his private collection.

Lazlo, messily licking spatters of strawberry goo off his face, tossed his plastic spoon and bowl in a nearby trash can and stretched mightily, exhaling once he was done. Quickly spotting Raj and Clam exiting the Mess Hall with their own bowls, he trotted bouncily up to them. "Hi guys! Boy, that was good!"

"I'll _say!!_" Raj agreed, stuffing marshmallow pieces into his mouth like they would disappear any second. "I cannot BELIEVE dat McMeusli ever _agreed_ to dis tasty love!"

"Delectable!" chirped Clam, his entire head covered with chocolate sauce. Lifting his bowl, the rhinoceros shoved the entire thing into his mouth, crunching through layers of tough plastic and grinning widely. "How Edward?"

Lazlo shrugged, ears flapping slightly. "Still muttering. I think he's really mad that he didn't...didn't...um, what was it?"

"Knock de _stuffing_ out uff you?"

"YEAH! Thanks, Raj!" Then Lazlo's face fell slightly. "It's just too bad. I woulda' let him..."

"Do you even know what dat _means_, Laz—" Raj began, but Clam cut him off, brandishing from behind his back a small dish of vanilla ice cream.

"Brought some for Edward!"

The monkey immediately brightened, clasping his hands together and bobbing up and down on his tiptoes. "Awwwww, how _thoughtful!!_" he gushed, snatching the bowl eagerly from Clam and starting off in the direction of Pinto cabin. "C'mon, guys, let's go give it to him!"

The blinds of the cabin were tightly shut when they arrived, and the door was boarded up. Not taking any notice, Lazlo rapped cheerfully on the wall and lifted up a loose plank of wood covering the windows, managing with his tail to hoist up part of the heavy shades so he could poke his head inside through a gap in the wire frame. "HEY EDWARD, WE BROUGHT YOU SOME ICE CREAM!!"

The small platypus glared at him from the opposite end of the cabin, feathers bristling. He was wrapped in multiple layers of Ace bandage, effectively rendering him immobile. "HOW _THOUGHTFUL!!_" Edward snapped sarcastically, growling in Lazlo's direction. "AN ICE CREAM! AN **ICE CREAM!** HOWABBOUT ASKIN' _SLINKMAN_ TA' LET ME **OUT** AW'READY?!"

Lazlo _tsk_ed condescendingly while Raj reflexively cringed behind him. "Now, _now_, Edward," the monkey chided playfully, "Nurse Leslie says you're to stay under _cabin arrest_ for at least another night. Your _temper_ still hasn't gone down."

"OF COURSE IT HASN'T GONE DOWN! _THEY FREAKIN' TIED ME UP AN' LEFT ME IN HERE!_"

There was a small pause as Edward breathed raggedly in and out, then Lazlo raised the bowl again. "You still want it?"

Edward clenched his teeth, then turned his head away with a huff. "Just put it on da _floor_. THEN LEAVE AN' NEVER RETURN!"

The monkey complied cheerfully, reaching through the hole in the wire-frame windows and placing the treat reverentially on the floor below, skipping away with Raj's and Clam's arms forcibly twined with his own. Edward glared at the spot they'd occupied for a moment, then painfully wriggled towards it, at last dropping his face into the bowl and somehow managing to slurp up most of the ice cream without the use of any appendages. When he finished, he paused, scraping his bill against the hard floorboards and straightening up.

He looked to the left.

He looked to the right.

Then he closed his eyes, leaning the back of his feathered head against the doorframe. His shoulders were hunched slightly at first, but at length he relaxed as he began to quiver—only lightly at first, but then it proceeded to full-blown spasms, and a loud, raucous chortle finally exploded out of the little platypus's stomach. "_OH NO!_ CHIP AN' SKIP HAVE BEEN CAPTURED BY DA EVIL ZOMBIE WEREWOLVES! _You'll never get away wit' dis!_" Here Edward sucked in his gut, making a loud "_KA-__**FWOOOOOOOOOSH!!**_" with his lungs before roaring with laughter again. "Gee, I'm sorry, I didn't know dat zombie-werewolves were so EXPLOSIVE! Don't worry, guys, Private Edward's here ta' save the day aga—"

A sharp rustling noise came from outside the cabin, and Edward clamped his mouth shut, prepared to deny everything if a camper came snooping. However, a quick reconnaissance revealed that it was merely a wild frog, resting momentarily in its valiant quest to hunt down Chip and Skip's fly collections. Relaxing, Edward leaned back again...and the corners of his bill curved upwards in a private smile.

FINIS

_This is only LazloEdward if you choose to see it that way. So no anti-slash flamers, please._


End file.
